EARTH—Continuing their yearly tradition, Christians and people who live in primarily Christian countries throughout the world are taking to retail stores and other shopping outlets to attempt to quantify their feelings for their friends, loved ones, and even acquaintances.
The annual gift exchange has become a staple of the holiday throughout the world, often symbolized and encouraged with stories of a mysterious figure who delivers these presents the night before December 25th. Legend has it that this "Santa Claus" knows the deepest desires of all gift receivers, therefore putting enormous pressure on those attempting to model his omniscience in their giving.
People all over the world are currently making their own lists of people to whom they feel it would be appropriate to give a gift, including coworkers, bosses, mistresses, and even postal workers.
"Let's see," struggled Xander Taylor, 36. "Do I even want to mess with doing something for the neighbors this year? I did borrow Bill's car jack that time in May. What if they bring cookies by again like last year? Yeah, I guess I should have a mall token ready to go." One can plainly see that, should Bill and his wife move, Taylor would hardly notice.
Others are attempting to put their feelings for their loved ones into dollar amounts as well. Theresa Irving, 44, budgeted $10 for each of her nieces and nephews, who range in age from 13 to 28 years. "It's not that I wouldn't die for any one of them," she felt compelled to explain, "I just have eight of them, and I also need to get something for my own children." Judging by her budget of $50 per child for her own 3 children, one can only be left to assume that, given a choice of whether to take a bullet for her own child or one of her nieces, she would clearly take a bullet for her own child.
Additionally, Nina Saez, 51, estimated that she had spent $125 on her husband so far this year, but only about $75 on her only daughter, making clear whom she would choose to keep alive should a famine come around.
"I guess I love my dad about $20 worth this year," said Scott Olvera, 28, as he stood in front of a rack of gift cards at a local retailer. "I'll spend a lot more to get to his funeral when the time comes."
Malanie Walters, 32, is excited to total up her own worth on Christmas morning by gathering everything she was gifted in one area and doing a quick mental inventory. "My best year was $487, mostly from my parents and siblings. I'm feeling pretty good about this year, but I think I'd just die if I wasn't worth at least $350."
Retailers continue to talk around the quantifying of love, although many are less subtle than others. For example, jewelers around the world make no secret about the direct link between dollar amount spent and feelings for the receiver. Given the success of the business, it is difficult to argue with how effective the method is.
In unrelated news, debtors and creditors are excited for another excellent December.
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