PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In a recent exclusive tour of the totalitarian state, The Colon reporters were fortunate to witness a terrified North Korean man fumble through his scripted lines in praise of the dictator and his regime.
Dong-joo Pak, 28, was visibly nervous as the media team made its way toward the apartment building that was carefully planned as part of the tour. The children on the side of the road were clearly choreographed to be laughing and having a pleasant time playing games, and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un had the foresight to make it partly cloudy for our stay. Pak was awaiting his cue to exit the apartment building, sweating bullets watching for the signal from our tour guide.
We could all see him from the cars. He had his hand on the door, and was watching the guards like a frightened puppy who's about to get eaten by hungry lions. Once the driver opened my door, Pak pretended to casually exit the building as if on his way to work or whatever. In his coordinated outfit that was obviously brand new and had been laid out for him that morning, he unconvincingly acted surprised at the sight of our caravan, and then the tour guide, whom he obviously recognized as indicated by the wink and nod, waved him over and asked if he could tell us a little bit about the apartment building.
With a rather endearing quiver in his voice, Pak got his lines out of order, despite clearly having rehearsed them multiple times. "Oh yes, I am so thankful for the Supreme Leader's wisdom and guidance in my work as an engineer!" The tour guide shot him a look of disapproval, as no one had asked about his job, and Pak stumbled as he tried to recover, "Oh, erm...that is to say...uh, I very much enjoy the apartment building, as it is close to my work as an engineer, which pleases me also to work as a Supreme Leader. Ugh, I mean, erm...thank you, Supreme Leader!"
By now drenched in sweat, red in the face, and wringing his hands as if it were his wedding day, Pak seemed to want to shrink under a rock and never show his face in daylight again. To attempt to salvage the situation, The Colon's team commented how convincing and sincere Pak's statements appeared to us blissfully ignorant and unsuspecting Americans.
Pak laughed nervously and, seeming to stand it no longer, turned to run back into the apartment building before our tour then moved on to see a grocery store. We noticed one of the soldiers with us stay behind and enter the apartment building after we left. We all agreed that it was very nice of the soldier to offer words of encouragement to our new friend; at least that's what we can only assume he was doing.
So yeah, overall we'd say that North Korea was pretty nice.
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