HUNDRED ACRE WOOD, EAST SUSSEX, ENGLAND—Winnie the Pooh, also known formally as "Pooh Bear," was arrested last week in connection with the murder of local resident Christopher Robin (boy, age 5). The body was found with numerous stab wounds next to a broken pot of honey; a small shard covered with blood and organic honey was recovered from the scene, apparently the murder weapon. Some details are forthcoming but local law enforcement has provided additional particulars.
“It was thoroughly obvious from the inception that the bear was the proper culprit, if it weren’t the boy’s own imagination,” said Police Commissioner O’Brien. “The honey pot had his name scrawled on the bottom, in addition to the horridly misspelled word, ‘honey,’ written in his typical cacography. There were footprints of blood and honey in the flatfooted shape one would expect of an undersized, anthropomorphized stuffed bear. We also found yellow or orange fibers and stuffed animal saliva on the wee victim’s scalp; we weren’t sure what that was about until we apprehended the ursine suspect.”
Commissioner O’Brien admitted to the press that some of the evidence remained contaminated and that Tigger, a local tiger creature and known associate of Winnie, had been taken into custody on charges of tampering with evidence and potentially aiding and abetting. Tigger had been on the scene and the CSIs on the case believe that he must have become overly agitated or excited at seeing Christopher Robin in such a state. He was still at the scene when authorities first arrived, bouncing on his springy tail while sputtering, “Look at those beady little eyes, and that preposterous chin, and those ridikkerous [sic] red striped pajamas. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!”
“We eventually found Winnie, AKA the Pooh Bear, quite easily,” Commissioner O’Brien continued. “The blood and honey trail led us right back to his house, which is essentially a shack built into the side of a tree (pretty despicable living conditions for any creature, if you ask me). His door was wide open and we heard the bear muttering to himself, ‘Oh, bother. Oh, bother. I’ve really done it now. I have been foolish and deluded. I am a bear of no brain at all; I don’t feel very much like Pooh today.’ He calmed down at the station after we gave him some tea and honey, feeling more like himself though still visibly shaken.”
Commissioner O’Brien revealed that Winnie the Pooh claimed to have undergone an existential crisis, wondering if he were the figment of Christopher’s youthful fancies or a sovereign, self-existing entity in his own right. He attempted an experiment on other stuffed animals, drowning Eeyore, a donkey-like stuffed creature, whom he said few would miss and waiting to see if Christopher Robin’s fanciful whims would resuscitate the donkey. The bear realized that it was a mistake as Christopher never questioned Eeyore’s absence.
Winnie claimed that when he dropped his honey pot, he knew what he had to do to prove himself a Pooh, saying that he told Christopher Robin, “Am I a different Pooh or no Pooh Bear at all without you?” The bear admitted to repeatedly stabbing the youth with a shard of his broken honey pot because he was uncertain as to the location of the human center of imagination. By his own account, when Pooh did not disappear and found Christopher quite non-responsive, he felt immediate panic and tried to lick up the youth’s blood, thinking that the bodily liquid may have soothing effects for him like honey.
“Some facts are yet to come,” Commissioner O’Brien concluded, “but rest assured that we’ll uncover them. In the meantime, ensure that your children’s stuffed animals are not sentient beings or, if they are, that they have proper understanding of the legal system, philosophy, and metaphysics especially. I can’t tell you how many whimsical beings aren’t taught proper morals and etiquette, let alone the realities of their own existence.”
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