CLEVELAND, OH—Following the President's recent announcement that he will officially run for reelection, the issues are taking center stage in public discourse, and opinions have arguably never been more heated.
A new poll by the Associated Press reveals that potential voters are more divided than ever on multiple issues, such as whether dogs or cats make better pets, if Miracle Whip is a godsend or an abomination, and from whence to properly squeeze the toothpaste tube. One unsurprising finding from the poll, however, was that the use of the Oxford comma is near the top of everyone's list of vital issues for the 2020 campaign.
The Oxford comma, which is the comma appearing just after the penultimate item in a list within a sentence, has been the subject of fiery and even violent debate since at least the Carter administration, causing rifts between and within parties that have won or cost elections ever since. It appears that the zeitgeist is no calmer regarding the writing style choice this year, with 62% of likely voters rating "appropriate use of the Oxford comma" as "extremely" or "outrageously important" for their 2020 vote.
"I think it's fair to call me a one-issue voter," shared Christina Quiroz, 27, of Cleveland. "Any written statement from a candidate had sure as [expletive] have that tiny punctuation mark right before 'and' or that loser just lost me."
"I've stopped being friends with people over the O[xford]. C[omma]," explained Reed Butler, 43, of Akron. "I think at first it was just because my parents were English majors, but I have really seen the light over my years. To me, it's a simple question of right versus wrong."
Others either outright refuse to use the comma, or take a more relaxed approach in policy. Fritz Volker, 33, for example, sees himself as a centrist as far as the Oxford comma is concerned, stating that, although he thinks it is appropriate, it's really a style choice that should be between an individual and their publisher.
The candidates have responded to these polling data, with most improperly increasing their use of all commas in all contexts. Perhaps most annoying is that candidates are also now pausing in their speech more frequently to sort of signify that they would have used a comma had their speech been delivered in print. True proponents of the Oxford comma have generally frowned upon this apparent pandering, and tensions remain high as threats of protests and marches loom.
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