CLEVELAND, OH—A sobering new report was published on Friday that seems to shed a light of hopelessness on a nation that is already clamoring for solutions to the national deficit, race relations, gender equality, and climate change. This report, the product of a collaboration between Ohio State University and experts at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, suggests that the world's current reserves of Pink Floyd will run dry within the next 30 years.
The English rock band that formed in the 1960s has sustained past and modern rock enthusiasts in some of the most dire of situations with its psychedelic melodies and inventive instrumentation. In particular, the guitar work of David Gilmour, now 73, has been credited with inspiring hundreds of thousands of people to buy a guitar and quit within 2 months because they aren't very good, causing as many as 3 billion individual rhythmic head nods, and giving millions of doped up teenagers "pretty groovy" feelings in their bedrooms, basements, or parked cars. However, after failing to produce any new music with the entire band for decades, we are now faced with a dire situation.
"We cannot overstate the danger here," stated Greg Macias, Ph.D., who worked on the research. "If we are unable to tap new sources of Pink-Floyd-quality progressive, psychedelic rock, and soon, then I'm afraid this generation may be the last to sit in a small, dark room, lit only by black light, possibly doing drugs and rambling about existence."
As the band members continue to age, it serves as a terrifying reminder that songs such as "Another Brick in the Wall" and "Time" may be among the last remnants of what may be the golden age of rock music. This lingering fact has been difficult for many of the younger generation to cope with. Natalie Fawson, 22, stated of the situation, "I'm a little ticked off, yes. I mean, if my parents hadn't used up so much Pink Floyd for themselves, me and my friends wouldn't be in this situation. I mean, what are we supposed to do when we want to smoke some weed and make out with our boyfriends and girlfriends at a remote campground? Did they even think about us?"
Scientists and rock experts currently have no long-term solutions, but are presently working on some remixes of old tracks, and scouring the archives for any unreleased tracks that can be remastered in hopes to sustain the world for just a few more years. Authorities plead with current Pink Floyd fans to limit their listening to no more than 2 tracks per joint, and ask for the public to brainstorm and share any realistic solutions with them.
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