NEW YORK, NY—Amid continuing budgetary issues, high crime, and a recently declining population trend, New York City officials have officially decided to simply outlaw literally everything to see if that will fix all of their problems.
"That's it!" shouted Mayor de Blasio, in an impromptu press conference outside of the capitol building. "Everything's banned! Guns? Banned! Gangs? Banned! Policing? Banned! Are you happy now? Banned banned banned banned banned! All of it!"
This is not the first time that New York officials have attempted to legislate their way out of problems. Former Mayor Bloomberg attempted in 2013 to outlaw the sale of sugary drinks in volumes more than 16 ounces in an attempt to help curb obesity, although the attempt was ultimately rejected. The city also has restrictions in multiple other areas, including a minimum wage of $15, requiring a license to own a handgun, and multiple regulations on ride-sharing, as well as other things. Apparently, as New York is still not a utopia, the frustrated mayor is now hoping that continued restrictions on residents' choices will finally improve the situation.
"You know what else? This press conference is banned! Ban it all! Ban you, and the horse you rode in on," continued the visibly enraged de Blasio, as his tirade entered its 5th minute.
Although not yet clear how these recent bans will roll out, it is our understanding that asking for any guidance is also banned. We are also compelled to inform our readers that reading this article appears to also be banned, as would experiencing any thought or emotion about the fact that it is banned.
We would now finish this article with some final thought, but that has also explicitly been banned.
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