TOKYO, JAPAN—In an unexpected and sudden move, the Japan Kendama Association (JKA) broke their decades-long isolation on Tuesday, releasing a list of professional tips and helpful suggestions in maneuvering the iconic ball-and-cup toy. The JKA has zealously guarded its rituals and practices in the past, so any officially-sanctioned information about the famous Japanese game has come to be regarded reverently, even superstitiously by many.
"I personally don't much care what 'dark secrets' or 'beginner's tricks' they publish, it's all witchcraft and devilry anyway and I'm not interested," remarks Osaka resident Shiori Saegusa, 29. "I dabbled with kendama when I attended university, but I turned my back on that sorcery. I only pray my child won't wander down that dark path, may Buddha guide him."
Kendama, which has been a cultural icon of Japan for decades, is regarded by most as a simple children's toy, with many options available for cheap purchase. However, beneath this surface world of innocent play lies a seedy underground of elite experts who meet regularly for rank advancement in their organization, competition, and perhaps even military training.
"I've done research, and there are dozens of these conventions going on all over the place," offers Tsubasa Nakayama, 44. "Everybody wears all black and there are candles everywhere while they practice stabbing the balls of their kendama, which are painted like human heads, over and over for hours. They say it's supposed to help them 'get the point' or something," claims the ̶h̶o̶m̶e̶l̶e̶s̶s̶ resident of Kisarazu city. ̶"̶A̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶y̶o̶n̶e̶'̶s̶ ̶e̶y̶e̶s̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶r̶t̶ ̶g̶l̶o̶w̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶r̶e̶d̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶b̶o̶n̶e̶s̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶r̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶g̶l̶o̶w̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶t̶u̶r̶n̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶p̶i̶d̶e̶r̶s̶,̶"̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶i̶n̶u̶e̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶u̶n̶d̶e̶r̶-̶m̶e̶d̶i̶c̶a̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶s̶c̶h̶i̶z̶o̶p̶h̶r̶e̶n̶i̶c̶.̶ "There's definitely something not right with them," ̶m̶u̶m̶b̶l̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶h̶o̶b̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶f̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶v̶o̶m̶i̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶m̶b̶l̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶a̶ ̶r̶a̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶l̶a̶n̶d̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶r̶a̶s̶s̶ ̶n̶e̶a̶r̶b̶y̶.̶[finished the completely reputable source. Really, Burgin, you can't undermine the credibility of your sources like that, just make sure these edits are implemented before we go to print!!]
The JKA, which has existed in many forms over the centuries but only as an official organization since 1975, dubiously claims that their competitions and other events are available for public entry and that they simply want to preserve a national legacy while providing sport for the rising generation. "Our organization has been entirely misunderstood, it's not like we're a cult or anything!" states enigmatic JKA president Jun Yoshiaki, age unknown. "We regularly hold technique workshops that are free for the public, we sponsored Kei Nishikori in the tennis tournament at Wimbledon, and we even have advertisements on NHK! Please come and see for yourself, you might even pick up a new hobby," hissed the mysterious leader from his unknown location.
"We just want to help people understand how to improve their kendama skills, and thus their life. Anyone can land it on the cups, but it takes true discipline, self-awareness, and control to stab the ball. And isn't that what it's all about? Most people miss the point of kendama when it's right in front of their faces," said the cryptic shadow leader of potentially the most dangerous organization in existence.
In other news, Japanese police forces are mobilizing to subdue and detain any and all JKA members in connection with the recent activity. Our sources confirm that lethal force has been authorized and the death toll is expected to be very high.
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