Lovesick

Hi, guys. I am 27, and I can feel the fever of passion all over my aching body. My nose is oozing with romance, my stomach is cramped with desire, and my head is pounding like a thousand hearts beating in sync. My throat aches to declare my love, and my eyes are puffy and swollen from the allergy of not being with you.

I think my situation may be chronic without your immediate attention. Maybe you can also catch this contagious feeling, and we can nurse each other together. You can take two doses of me and then call me every morning for as long as we prescribe. Side effects may include dizziness, shortness of breath, and a deep sense of contentment.

Yes, the situation is very serious, and requires immediate attention. You'll be glad to know that the prognosis is good, as long as you let your feelings metastasize. Be sure to drink lots of fluids, and call me really soon.