MANHATTAN, NY—The Nabisco food company was pleased to announce on Thursday of this week that they plan to release a new line of Oreo brand cookies that can now actually mimic the emotional voids people attempt to fill by eating their traditional cookies.
Beginning with the most frequent one, love, the makers of the chocolate cookies with creme filling have stated that they will be distributing cookies that taste exactly like the emotion feels.
"Our marketing researchers found, after extensive study," said a spokesperson for the company, "that most of the people who buy our delicious products are searching for a specific type of flavor to fill them up. It's something that they crave passionately. Although most of our customers find that our products get close, they sometimes eat entire packages of our cookies without having quite found that flavor. So, we are happy to announce that we now have cookies that consumers will find taste exactly like all of the things they are trying to get with our main line of cookies."
The cookie maker went on to list all of the new flavors, including love, acceptance, self-worth, and self-esteem, with other flavors in development, such as optimism, euphoria, and serenity.
The company stated that the new cookies work through a carefully balanced formula of natural and artificial flavors, just enough sugar, and psychotropic medications that cause bursts of dopamine, serotonin, and reduce cortisol, among other things. They are excited at the possibility of providing long-time customers what they have always sought from the company, and hope to also draw from other demographics, such as drug users, people who had poor relationships with caretakers as children, individuals in dead-end or soul-crushing jobs, and many people with mental health issues who have not yet been diagnosed.
Advertising for the new line of cookies has begun already, with the most recent commercial depicting a depressed woman attending a wedding, despondently perceiving the couple's joy at their embarking on a new life. On the verge of tears, she reaches into her purse to find a 6-pack of the love-flavored Oreos, which she proceeds to cram down her throat, barely chewing, and then she is able to make it through the rest of the festivities with what appears to be a sincere smile on her face. The logo then appears across the screen, with the slogan, "Eat your feelings, or they will eat you."
Oreo's stock has quadrupled in value in the last 24 hours since the announcement.
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