PENSACOLA, FL—The quiet coastal town of Pensacola has become abuzz with whispers of a local element in its midst that has a depraved habit of getting excited with an electric charge.
The self-described "noble" gas, known on the streets only by its singular name "Neon," reportedly is odorless and colorless, blending in with the rest of civilized society nearly all of the time. However, this sick, perverted gas appears to have a secret that comes out in the darkness of night for all the world to see.
There have been several reports of Neon blatantly exposing itself for all the world to see in multiple public venues at night around Pensacola, which is disturbing in and of itself to the peaceful community. However, what makes these events especially perverse is that what seems to get the gas to the height of its arousal is the use of an electrical current. Indeed, the gas appears to become fully aroused only when electrified, at which point it becomes obvious to all passersby, including children.
Local authorities have been working to get the word out about this lewd, mysterious element that is difficult to spot under normal conditions. They advise concerned individuals to travel in groups, avoid bars and nightclubs where it is known to visit, and avert their eyes if it is spotted, as they believe that attention encourages it to remain fully stimulated.
Unfortunately, these sightings appear to be on the increase across the nation, as reports are now pouring in from multiple other locales, with a concentration in Las Vegas, NV. Authorities suggest that the only thing likely to decrease the sightings is to remove the electrical current from the gas, and then leave it unplugged.
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