PORTLAND, OR—With Thanksgiving meals around the nation planned for tomorrow, the vegans of the United States have issued a reminder that it's not too late to go vegan right now.
As millions of Americans finalize their plans for the traditional turkey and/or ham dinner to take place tomorrow, vegans, who do not consume foods that come from animals, wish to remind all of the hungry celebrators that they need not feel that they have to go through with the plans.
"We're just saying," said vegan Thorndike Waters, 36, "Just because you bought that frozen turkey doesn't mean that you have to still put it in the oven, glaze it, and then ultimately eat it."
This apparently last-ditch effort to win over a few more carnivorous Americans to their worldview comes after virtually every household in the U.S. has already made their plans to consume animals and animal products, and many have even already begun the process of marinating their chosen meal.
"I mean, really," continued Waters, a spokesperson for veganism, as are all vegans, "What's to stop you from grabbing your partially-thawed turkey carcass, taking it to the backyard, and giving it a proper burial while pleading with its spirit to forgive you for your depraved lust for flesh?"
Many vegans choose to celebrate Thanksgiving with plant-based alternatives to the traditional turkey, such as tofu, sweet potatoes, and so forth, which many believe explains why they get cranky around this time of year.
"It may not taste quite like a turkey, but if you add a lot of salt and really work to overcome your gag reflex, a tofu loaf with some rice is just as tolerable as a slice of hot, juicy, full-of-protein turkey with stuffing."
The vegans of the nation wish to note that no one is holding a gun to citizens' heads to force them to smear cranberry sauce all over a perfectly-cooked piece of white meat from the turkey breast, and then to smother a plate of mashed potatoes with butter. Indeed, there is no law requiring an individual to take a bite from a chocolate pie made with milk and covered with whipped cream, dazzling one's senses and causing dopamine to surge through the brain. Should one prefer to compost the macaroni and cheese side dish rather than relish in its glory, there will be no legal consequences.
Continued Waters, "If you've ever thought of going vegan, now's as good a time as any. Your guests and family will thank you for your example of tossing that ham into the trash can, or sending it down the garbage disposal. You'll feel better, too, knowing that that's the last animal who will die on your behalf, and you'll never taste the sweet, suculent consequences of murder again."
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