WASHINGTON, DC—Following this year's celebration of the United States' independence from England, it appears that there was a surge of hate crimes against snobby British Elites in the chaos that ensued after the first firework burst in the night sky.
The United States Bureau of Justice Statistics noted on their website late last night that, in the days leading up to July 4th of this year, and in the 24 hours since then, there was a surge in violent or property crimes targeting citizens of the United Kingdom who are uppity towards others. These crimes can take many forms, but commonly include vandalizing the castles, palaces, and estates of the haughty aristocrats with various epithets meant to disparage them. These commonly target their dental hygiene, obsession with tea, and inability to maintain a global empire.
Although the overall rates of hate crimes against this specific group have risen 18% in the last week, about 27% of those reported hate crimes were of a more aggressive nature, including one incident where a group of teenagers overturned a horse-drawn carriage while the terrified and sheltered-to-a-detriment highbrows cowered and clung to each other while crying out for help.
Some politicians have taken to social media to condemn these crimes. Presidential hopeful and New Jersey Senator Cory Booker stated on Twitter, "If a British person can't feel safe on a relaxing stroll in the American countryside while making small talk of the weather and global affairs, then we're doing something wrong." Conservative political commentator Ben Shapiro noted on his radio program that "I don't wish this kind of thing on anyone. I mean, come on, we wiped the floor with these guys in the war. We don't need to rub their noses in it anymore."
This trend seems to occur most years near the end of June, as anti-British sentiments flourish at the sight of an American flag, cheeseburger, or fireworks stand, but if the past is any indication, these crimes should diminish in both frequency and severity over the next few months as tensions between the two nations calm again. For now, authorities are cautioning any British citizens in the country to attempt to speak in low tones, try drinking coffee in public, and attend as many baseball games as possible to avoid attracting any attention.
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