By Newton Chadwick—Okay, look. I'm just here, minding my own business walking down the street. I'm not bothering anyone: I just want to find a mailbox to put this product registration into the mail. Yes, I know I can fill it out online, but my internet has been spotty since I dropped the router chasing down the cat. You know what? That's none of your business. I will register my cordless hair trimmer however the [expletive] I please.
But you, sir—yes, you with the blue hair that is shaved on one side and overly long on the other—you owe me an explanation. What, in fact, is your hair all about? What is the message you are trying to send to all the world with a haircut like that, and what is the significance of the color blue?
Do not give me that nonsense about just wanting to "be you." I don't even know what that means. You're always you. By purposefully manipulating your hair into this particular style, which I can only imagine took a good amount of time and money, you definitely are after my attention. Well, you have it, whether I like it or not, so let's have it. What do you want me to know about you? You've made your shot across the bow, so now let's hear your spiel.
No, I'm not being sarcastic. I truthfully and sincerely want to hear what you have to say for yourself. Are you proud of how you look? Do you see yourself in the mirror each day and say, "Oh yeah! This is what I was going for."? Does that haircut give you the confidence you need to face the challenges of this world?
You have clearly sent a message, and you wanted me to receive it, but guess what—I can't read it. Your note is in my inbox, but I can't open it. The delivery person told me they have a package addressed to me, but they didn't bring it with them. So why don't you finish the job? Tell me what it is you're after. Do you have a pamphlet, or a website or something? I simply must know what would drive another human being, created in the image of God, with all of the divine faculties that Shakespeare, Michelangelo, and Einstein used, to consciously do such a thing as commit to that hairstyle.
Thank you for your time, and I, along with the rest of humanity, anxiously await your response.
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