LANGLEY, VA—The Langley Research Center has reluctantly issued a report on their findings from a 6-year project on time travel. After several trips into the future, the researchers found that the humans make fun of us all the time.
The report cites 7 distinct trips into different times in the future, and each time the time travelers returned in tears, hanging their heads in shame. "At first, they said that it was just a side effect of the time travel," explained Regina Reader, 42. "You know, the redness and the puffy eyes. But it was pretty clear that they had been crying."
Reader related that after a couple more trips, when the time travelers started asking not to go, she finally got to the bottom of the issue. "It turns out that the future does not think much of us."
It appears that future generations of humans look back at 2019 as a time of total stupidity, outrage over nothing, and complete loss of the ability to reason, or in many cases even to communicate with one another about basic facts. "And the worst part," said one of the time travelers, Lisa Barron, 28, through sobs, "they're right! We are the absolute worst!"
Apparently, the future finds that 2015 through 2058 was the lowest point of humans' existence, despite our technological advances over previous generations. Our total lack of appreciation for just how good we have it, our continual whining about every little thing that isn't going our way, our insufferable narcissism, our inability to accept simple truths, and our incessant screaming at each other over things we're not even sure we believe anymore appear to have made this generation the shame of humanity.
One junior high school textbook, published in 2208, for example, states, "Whereas previous generations had risen to enormous challenges, cured diseases, won wars, launched the globe into economic prosperity, reduced poverty to nearly nothing, and respectfully settled most disagreements in person, the years of 2015 through 2058 were characterized by sissy little entitled pricks who deeply believed that the world owed them something just for existing. They had unimaginable wealth and technology, but disparaged it and everything that brought it each and every day. They mercilessly attacked one another anonymously using their technology, and tried to destroy everything that had made their society so prosperous. Those losers really were the absolute worst of humanity, wrapped up in a hot mess of rage and an unearned sense of superiority."
The report from the Langley Research Center held no punches as it detailed just how awful we appear in the eyes of future generations, and offers virtually no hope. It makes clear that this view of the current generation holds constant through each of the time periods they visited, including in the year 3844 when humanity is able to transcend time and space. Even then, the humans who have colonized other habitable solar systems keep themselves on track by remembering this time, simply saying, "Never again." All know what is meant, referring to our generation.
The report ends abruptly, with no suggestions for changing our current state, but everyone who was involved in the project in any way has not showed up for work for several weeks, and is reportedly spending most of their time lying in bed, pondering how it all got like this, and how they were part of the problem.
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