COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Having responded to groans that could be heard all the way in the health and beauty department, store management at local Walmart Neighborhood Market 3582 reported that there had been trouble in the men’s restroom early Saturday afternoon. Frequent shopper Jim Alderman, age 27, was allegedly betrayed by a faulty motion sensor in the automatic faucet that he attempted to use while his hands were already lathered with suds.
“It was really strange and actually very sad,” an assistant manager told reporters. “One of our department managers informed us that someone was in there [the men’s restroom], yelling, ‘No, no, no, no! How could you do this to me?’ I walked into the bathroom as quickly as I could (it’s unsafe to run in a retail environment) and there the customer was, extending his overly soapy hands as though they were covered in blood. He had this look of combined horror, disgust, and rage; you could swear the man had just seen his new bride kissing another man on their wedding night, that’s the look of betrayal he had.”
Despite his despicable condition, which included teary eyes and a continually reddening face, Alderman had apparently tried various methods for eliciting a response from the automatic faucet, all to no avail. He addressed it pleadingly, asking how it could abandon him in his moment of need, asking what he had done to deserve such treatment. His tone became increasingly harsh as he demanded that it work and produce the watery flow that he expected of it. After several minutes of failed attempts and without responding to the inquiries of store management, Alderman tried wiping the soapy hands on nearby paper towels, growing more frustrated when the hands remained soapy and dry.
“Why died I not from the womb?!” Alderman was reported as yelling dejectedly and heavenward as he fell to his knees and tore his shirt, which also became sudsy. Under his breath he muttered some invectives and compared the faucet to other recreant traitors such as Judas and Benedict Arnold. Meanwhile, many other bathroom-goers, having finished their “business,” walked past Alderman and the store management who tried to console him, unaware of the man’s suffering and the condition of the restroom’s automatic faucets, not even attempting to wash their own hands.
“Things got worse before they got better,” an assistant manager explained. “Between his sobs and swears, I led him to the family restroom but that ended up being closed for maintenance. He pounded on the door with his fist while crying out, ‘Et tu, Brute?!’ By this point some associates were beginning to gather. I had to assure them that everything would be fine though there was no reason to believe that it would; after all, this man was experiencing major and repeated heartbreak. Then, it suddenly dawned on me: Water fountains have water. We tried the nearby water fountain but its water pressure was too low to be any help; we had to submit a service request for it and the customer was distraught as ever.”
Fortunately for all parties involved, the store manager soon bought a gallon jug of water and brought it over promptly, helping Alderman wash his hands over the bathroom sink. The customer has since posted a mixed review of the store, condemning the craven faucet while lauding the store’s management team. Alderman has since returned to the store but keeps two bottles of hand sanitizer handy lest he be betrayed again in the future.
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