SAN DIEGO, CA—Researchers from the University of California have now confirmed what has been largely theorized for centuries: that fame is directly linked to moral and ethical superiority. Humans have long known that famous people are typically also the best sources of advice on topics as complex as nutrition, politics, theology, and even parenting. Now, a 4-year study has suggested that this is due to the causal nature between fame and moral high ground.
"It seems," said Linda Ward, 41, the lead researcher, "that there is a clear correlation between fame and moral authority. We are also pretty sure that it is the fame that causes one to be so much wiser than the masses, and not wisdom causing the fame, in most cases."
Dr. Ward explained that as a person becomes more recognizable across the nation and the globe, that person's ability to competently balance ethical and moral conundrums with ease increases significantly and predictably, even though the individual has not actually gained any insights or experiences that would lead them to such an ability.
"It may seem counter-intuititve for some people," continued Ward, "but it's still true. Take a famous musician like Ozzy Osbourne or a social media personality like one of the Kardashians. Because we know who they are, but they don't know who we are, they are measurably smarter and better than we. Clearly, they are the superior beings who should guide us in all things. That's why I vote for whoever my favorite pop singer tells me to, I follow the medical advice of the actress who's been in the most films in the last year, and I make money decisions modeled after whoever wins The Bachelor."
The exact mechanism behind celebrity's connection with unique ethical perspective is not precisely clear at this time, but Ward postulated that it has something to do with the fact that famous people often find themselves at a distance from the common folk, which likely gives them better perspective from which to admonish us. As they are continually rewarded and praised for their fame, they seem to slowly realize the fact that being likable also means that one is morally superior to the rest of humanity, and so they embrace their brilliance and begin advertising it to all who will listen.
This finding suggests that celebrities should lecture the general public about our moral failings, perhaps at completely unrelated events such as awards shows for acting. It may be appropriate for celebrities to tell the public what they should think regarding heated issues like transgenderism, racial tensions, abortion, and the existence of God. Because these celebrities are so measurably superior in their opinions about these issues, it is their obligation—nay, their duty—to disparage the drivel that thinks differently about such things. It seems best that they hold firm in their opinions, also, rather than be open to learning through a non-famous person's perspective.
Luckily, it appears that most celebrities are already acting as if they knew the results of this research, but Dr. Ward hopes that even more will chime in on what we commoners hold sacred, allowing us to bask in their radiance for just a moment, showered with the beauty of the sound of their voices.
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