TOWSON, MD—With the Christmas holiday less than a month away, people across the nation are panicking about selecting just the right gifts for their loved ones. According to relationship experts, they need to step it up a notch.
Aside from just an exchange of material wealth from one individual to another, gift giving is a long tradition that also demonstrates how well one person knows another, and the gift is also symbolic of the relationship, according to experts. That is why this Christmas is the single most important chance for everyone across the world to get things right for once. Especially after the debacles at Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, their birthdays, and the total lack of spontaneous gifts throughout the year, relationship experts plead with people everywhere to commence freaking out.
"We cannot overstress how vital this Christmas is for every relationship you've ever had," said relationship expert Chastity O'Ryan, 44. "If there was ever a year to get your [expletive] together, this is the one."
O'Ryan related that "there is so much riding on this Christmas season that you would not even believe it." Even though your significant others, family, friends, and neighbors would never say anything, and most aren't even conscious of it yet, the gift-giving for this Christmas will have enormous consequences on your relationships. These aren't just little variations in just how close you are, either, she assures us: these are total paradigm shifts.
"We aren't even just talking about like, your spouse might divorce you if you don't get the right gift. I mean on the scale of like, if you get your kid the wrong toy, that little guy will grow up to be the next Hitler, okay? Put that in your pipe and smoke it," encouraged O'Ryan. "Your spouse won't just divorce you, but she'll humiliate you publicly, destroy your confidence, cause your self-image to crumble over the next several years until you ultimately die after years of increasing alcoholism and increasing obesity."
Relationship experts recommend dedicating at least 80 hours per week to studying your gift recipients, pondering their deepest desires, and scouring the internet and retail shelves for what will complete them, once and for all. "Nothing, not even drinking water, could be as important as finding and purchasing that one item that exists only for those people who are important in your life," suggested O'Ryan.
As of press time, the clock was ticking, and yet here you are, still reading this like someone who doesn't know what's at stake.
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