Everyone Needs to Be Offended Until No One is Offended Anymore

By Gregory Warren—It is unfathomable to me that in the richest country in the world, with all of the opportunities we have, that there are still people out there who sometimes experience less-than-pleasant feelings. There are children who show up to sporting events, wearing their uniform and everything, who don't come home with a trophy for mind-blowing awesomeness. How do you think they feel? There are people who come to their jobs sometimes, and yet still go home without $1 million in their pockets. What do you think goes through their heads as they lie in their beds at night, never knowing the peace of owning a yacht they personally commissioned to their design? I know of multiple individuals whose behavior was deemed by another person as needing honing or improvement. These direct attacks on their humanity must end, and we can do it within our lifetimes.

It offends me deeply that there are people out there who think they do not have to treat literally every other living thing on the planet as if it were a fragile and beautiful treasure. What sort of heartless monsters are you? You are filth, and you spread your hateful poison with every breath.

Still, what offends me even more than that is the lack of offense everyone else is taking at all of the offense that is everywhere. Yes, you who are sitting idly, minding your own business, and going about your day without telling everyone how offensive they are to you or other people—I hate to break it to you, but you are part of the problem.

You need to do as I do, and wake up each morning with a hair trigger for outrage at the slightest thing that could possibly be considered inconsistent with only the purest thoughts and actions. Only through our absolute unity in this pursuit can we ensure that future generations can go about their day without ever being offended. It is our duty to humankind to be as offended as possible so that someday no one will ever be offended.

Join me now, my fellow sentient beings and those of you who identify as non-sentient beings whom I still wholly respect and think should be granted full rights, unless you are offended by having rights, in which case, I agree with you. Join me in this war on offensive things by showing just how offensive they are. We must be offended to end offense!