BOSTON, MA—The 2020 presidential campaign continues to heat up as challengers to the incumbent seek more and more to outdo each other. The nation has seen candidates widely embracing the expansion of government in multiple areas, increasing taxes on at least the wealthy, and further dehumanizing pre-born and newborn humans, as just a few examples.
Working to out-policy the other candidates is getting increasingly difficult for some, leading to some new, controversial proposals. Turning her focus to economic inequality, Senator Elizabeth Warren (D - Massachusetts) has recently proposed not only forgiving all student loans, but also making all Americans the CEO of Amazon.com, a popular online retailer.
"It is nothing short of immoral that some people struggle to make ends meet working multiple jobs," said Warren, speaking at a recent rally in Ohio, "while there are billionaires like [current Amazon CEO] Jeff Bezos swimming in their money vaults like Scrooge McDuck, adjusting their monocles, and making poor people fight to the death with pointy sticks for their entertainment. It is long overdue that all Americans have the same opportunity to run a complex, multi-billion-dollar company that changed the way the world shops for virtually all goods."
Although scant on details of her proposal, she went on to state that "I say it's high time that every American man, woman, and child, should be put in charge of their own national retail warehouse so that no one will ever again wonder where their next meal will come from."
Warren's supporters appear largely invigorated by the proposal, as restaurant server Haley Irvine, 33, shared. "Are you kidding? I'd be an awesome Amazon CEO! Just flying in my private jet, eating my shrimp cocktails, and sipping champagne all day. When can I start?"
Additionally, Richard Bell, 40, a cellular phone plan salesman, stated, "I could totally run Amazon. I mean, I'm pretty good with people, I'm proficient with Microsoft Word and PowerPoint, and I won my division racquetball tournament two years ago. So...yeah."
Since the announcement, Warren has risen 4 points in the polls. To counter her rise, another democratic candidate, Cory Booker, recently announced a proposal to confiscate all sugary drinks within the boundaries of the U.S., to castrate any male who has had an impure thought, and to smash all vehicles that get less than 40 miles-per-gallon in front of their owners using sledge hammers.
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