SCRANTON, PA—After centuries of maltreatment, disparaging remarks, and neglect, the end pieces of baked bread loaves now feel that the time is right to voice their frustrations with the status quo of where they rank in the bread slice hierarchy.
In a statement shared on multiple baking shows, the end pieces said, "For countless generations of loaves, in nearly every country, and on all continents, we end pieces—who signify the beginning and end of each loaf—have had enough. Our forebears have been overlooked and passed by for nearly every sandwich-making opportunity. We are the last to be chosen for breakfast toast, and have on multiple occasions been tossed into the waste bin rather than made into French toast. Far too many of our ancestors have been reserved for duck or goose fodder rather than fulfilling their baker-given right to complement a bowl of chopped up hard boiled egg. This injustice must end."
Among the end pieces' demands is that they be represented in at least 2% of sandwiches at delis and restaurants, as they have been historically unknown in the commercial food industry. They also insist upon appearing in 5% of advertising of cereals that portray a "balanced breakfast," which has, heretofore, been monopolized by middle slices of bread.
"We dream of a future where bread slices will no longer be designated and scrutinized based on where they are from the loaf, or how much of their surface area is crust. We want all bread slices, leaven and unleavened, wheat based or spelt, soft or hard, to be enjoyed for what we are. We end pieces don't ask to be chosen every time, but just very first and very last. Thank you."
As of press time, the end pieces who had composed the statement had gone stale: what many consider a fitting martyrdom for their cause.
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