SANTA’S WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE—With the world’s largest gifting holiday only weeks away, North Pole workers led by one Eddie the Elf have unionized, going on strike as of this past Saturday. The gaily clad, acuminate-eared homunculi cited poor working conditions as the cause for what many are now regarding as the greatest and most ill-timed strike in holiday history. In an international press conference, Eddie the Elf the Union President detailed numerous workplace safety and workers’ rights violations.
“Our rights will no longer be ignored,” Eddie the Elf the Union President said during the press conference. “For too long, we have endured hardship upon hardship in Santa’s workshop—nay, his sweatshop— and for what? Measly pay that a reindeer couldn’t even live on; heck, Santa’s reindeer are treated better than the average elf and at least they get a break once in a while. Believe me, I know. I’ve had to clean up after the giant rodents.”
Eddie the Elf, the Union President, continued by enumerating and expanding on the various infractions under Santa’s management, as well as the demands of the elves. Such abusive conditions included constant exposure to toxic fumes from paints and adhesives, 20-hour work days with no breaks, 7-day workweeks, no paid time off, and ubiquitous child labor. Eddie quoted an elf by the name of Dmitri, a former citizen of the U.S.S.R., as having stated that the labor in Santa’s workshop was worse at any given moment than in the Soviet factory from which he had fled during the Cold War. Some elves are even chained to their workstations and fed intravenously or with expired candy canes and rancid fruitcake by the hand of their supervisors. Their work stools are actually potty training toilets with absolutely no privacy.
“This is not all,” Eddie the Elf continued, placing a fist over his heart. “Our elvettes [female elves] are forced to undergo routine pregnancy tests, being subjected to forced birth control measures so that our taskmasters can avoid supporting maternity leave or providing appropriate health benefits. We demand the dignity, livable wages and benefits, and workplace conditions in alignment with our worth and international labor laws.”
With North Pole production at a near standstill, there appears to be no end to in sight for the strike as Christmas fast approaches. Analysts predict that there will be production shortfalls across all categories for the North American and European households. Family members and friends in those affected regions are encouraged to procure gifts for one another and to do so without waiting until the last possible moment.
As of publication, Santa cannot be reached for comment and his long-term plans for dealing with the Elvish Worker’s Union remain unknown, though there have been reports of about 90 protest-related arrests and numerous retaliatory beatings and other civil abuses.
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