Report: No Way You Get That Eggshell Out of There

TUCSCON, AZ—In a special report released by experts in the field, it was made clear that you will never get that tiny piece of eggshell out of the pan before it's too late.

Indeed, experts agreed that, although it would be enormously satisfying to watch you struggle to grasp the tiny piece of shell between your fingers, each time seeing it slip even deeper into the mixture in the pan as you grow more and more frustrated until you ultimately burst into tears like a 3-year-old, that you should probably just give up right now.

The authorities in this area agree that you have essentially two options at this point. You can either throw out the dish in its entirety, as it is already tainted and cannot be salvaged by anything short of a miracle, or you can mix it up hard as all [expletive] and hope that you crack the shell piece up just enough that you and your guests won't notice that it was there in the first place. The experts remind you, however, that you probably don't have enough eggs to complete the dish, you hate talking to your neighbors, and you for sure don't have time to run to the store before the others get here. Additionally, although you may hope that the shell ends up in your helping, there is only a 1 in 5 chance that it will, and those are not great odds.

Sure, the authorities grant you, probably the worst that would happen anyway is that the guest who ends up with that little shell piece would not even say anything, and to be polite would simply file the experience away forever, but you won't take that chance, will you? You have convinced yourself that this is a disaster: that whoever gets the shell will either put on a huge, embarrassing display in front of the others that will make you a pariah, or they will secretly loathe you for having ruined their meal, and they will one day get their revenge in the worst imaginable way.

For these reasons, the experts agree that you should quickly scrap the meal plan, throw your phone in the toilet, hop in your car, withdraw all of your money, head for the border, and leave all of this behind you forever.