By Emma "Emmie" Nothram—Dear grownups, over the course of my 4-and-one-half years on this earth, I've experienced a lot of things. I've known the highest ecstasies of jumping on the trampoline, and I've waded through the depths of despair when being forced to go to bed despite any and all indications of being tired. With my wealth of knowledge and real-world experience, I feel that I should pass on some of my wisdom to those of you who are operating under some false beliefs. I wish to do this, not to insult you or disparage you, but rather to enlighten you.
Namely, I want to herewith make clear that your tiny little efforts of warming up half a hot dog in the microwave for me to consume are next to meaningless. Your hopes for a sign of gratitude from me or anyone else for such a minuscule and insignificant task are, at best, pathetic. At worst, they are a sign of a weak ego. If you cannot feel satisfied with yourself and where you are in your life at this moment without a word of praise for having spent 60 seconds of your measly existence telling a machine what to do, then it's time to do some serious soul-searching.
Let me be clear what your hot-dog-warming has done for me. At no point in my day, even while chewing it, did this hot dog ever enter even the periphery of my conscious thought. I am far too occupied with the intricacies of puppy dog tails, baby sharks and the songs that praise them, and bothering my big sister. I simply will not be distracted by your sad attempt to nourish me. On the contrary—I am quite insulted that you would expect me to set aside my wooden letter puzzle for something as trivial as food. To imagine that I would react to you with anything other than complete and total disdain is another testament to your distorted view of the world. I am now certain that you will never understand me, and you should be ashamed of what you've done.
Now, if you truly desire a sign of gratitude from the likes of me, then I offer a few suggestions. Water slides, ponies, roller coasters, and pet tigers may warrant a smile in your general direction, but any hugs or verbal praise toward your personage may be given—never asked for. You must always maintain at the forefront of your mind that the purpose of your existence is only to serve my every whim. Should the weather not be to my liking, you shall be held responsible for all of eternity. If ever I stub my toe on a wall, you are to take full blame for having brought me near a place with a wall. This is the way of things, and shall be forevermore.
I hope that this has clarified my position, and that we may now proceed in such a way to reflect this. I understand that you may be disappointed to learn how little your feeble efforts matter, but I hope that we may now move forward as I have specified. You may indicate your acquiescence with an offering of a bowl of chocolate ice cream, delivered now.
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