ALLENTOWN, PA—The nation's ghouls, ghosts, and demons have come together to publicly decry Halloween as an appropriation of their culture and lifestyle.
In a series of messages left on walls and mirrors in what appears to be blood, these paranormal entities explained their displeasure with what Halloween has become.
"We are proud forces of supreme evil. We exist to wreak havoc and misery upon all creatures. There is nothing cute or festive about us at all," read one message that appeared after a seance.
It seems that these demonic beings believe that humans have claimed spooks, terror, and chaos as their own, and manipulated them into a mockery of the culture of horror and despair that they've spent millennia attempting to preserve. Indeed, just one glance inside any general goods store will find a plethora of color, sweets, toys, games, and even crafts that seem to warp the forces of pure evil into cartoonish mockeries of their true selves.
Among the entities' demands are that all celebrations of Halloween be stopped, all merchandise related to the holiday be banned (unless hazardous to health), and that anyone attempting to imitate a force of evil—unless they are purposely advancing that evil—should be torn into pieces in a public place.
In response to the demands, the 2020 democratic presidential hopefuls have begun to weigh in, supporting the demons' position. "These demons are right to be upset," said Elizabeth Warren, "we have no right to take pleasure in displaying human skulls on our coffee tables, when this sort of grotesque display has been the practice of satanic forces from the beginning. I, for one, will not be handing out candy to any child whose costume is insensitive to the demonic community."
It is not yet clear how this development will affect October 31st, as some stores may continue to sell merchandise and many institutions have not yet canceled their planned festivities. If the demons hold fast to their threats, however, this may turn into the bloodiest, most horrifying October since 1917 in Russia.
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