MILWAUKEE, WI—The nation finds itself somewhat unsettled this morning after the Democratic National Committee announced an unusual event scheduled for its convention in 2020.
In an unprecedented move, next year's convention will feature the physical beheading of 6 healthy heterosexual white men, just before announcing the party's chosen presidential candidate. The DNC gave a press release which included this statement:
"Now more than ever, we need to unify our people and show our undying commitment to diversity. The people of the world cringe when they look out into a sea of white skin, and we hear far too many male voices in our policy discussions. Frankly, we're all quite disgusted at the hetero-normative culture that still exists in our ranks. We cannot simply pay lip service to diversity anymore. We must create it. We must bathe in the blood of the unanointed. We must embrace the change we claim to crave. We shall announce this to the world in a manner that will ring in the hearts and minds of all who oppose us!"
Some critics have called into question whether the DNC will be able to obtain the proper permits for such a display before the convention is scheduled to occur, whereas others wonder whether disembowelment would be a more fitting display of their zeal. Still, others are curious about the details of the beheadings. The press release made clear that the 6 individuals whose heads are to be forcibly removed from their bodies would not be chosen at random from the crowd, but that they already had a long list of volunteers for the procedure, who are currently being interviewed and vetted.
We spoke with one of the as-of-yet 3,218 straight white men who have volunteered to be executed by axe or guillotine at the convention. Greg Shannon, 28, of Knoxville, Tennessee, said, "Once I realized in college how I have been oppressing so many nice folks all of my life simply by existing, well, I just figured I had to do something about it. I mean, if I could shed my white skin or something, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I guess there's just nothing I can do about being born an instrument of oppression and hatred. I figure that if anything could maybe redeem even a fraction of my soul, chopping my head off in front of a crowd of thousands of people would be it."
"I just hope I make the cut," Shannon said, "no pun intended."
Although the mainstream media have largely applauded the announcement as "finally making equality a priority," some people have privately expressed reservations. Sandra Isaacson, of Portland, Oregon, said, "I mean, I'm as ashamed of my [White] race as anyone, and I really am glad to do something more than just talk about diversity, but I just wonder if this might be going a little overboard? Maybe we could try castration or something for a while first?"
In any case, presidential candidates are lining up now to endorse the plan, and some have already called upon Joe Biden to perform seppuku-style ritual suicide at the convention should he not be named the party nominee, to "seal the diversity pledge for eternity."
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