CHICAGO, IL—Political and social scientists from the University of Chicago have found a disturbing anomaly in their work attempting to understand the current political divide in the United States populace: It appears that chocolate is the only thing keeping the nation from total anarchy.
The researchers used several methods to research the tensions in the country, including focus groups, surveys, brain scans, and even economic and social media trends, and found one common denominator. Namely, the only thing standing between the loose sense of order and unbridled chaos is the fact that chocolate is readily available to the vast majority of citizens.
Indeed, the researchers suggest that chocolate may be serving as a mild instrument of pacification for the adults who would otherwise be physically clawing at one another in the gutters. Several computer models were run to test the effects of multiple variables. Results suggest that the lack of showers, coffee, and television would likely cause several isolated spats of violence, but the model that removed chocolate from every local kitchen and place of commerce produced the most horrifying results: Entire cities burning to the ground, runs on banks, cannibalism, mass suicides, and the ever-feared proposal to remake the classic Back to the Future film.
The current theory, according to the researchers, is that chocolate's very existence serves as the last thing people in the United States hold to in their moments of darkness. Like a beacon of hope, chocolate exists, and is accessible to all people of every color, creed, and even income level in the U.S. It gives the citizens of the U.S. a reason to get out of bed in the morning, to toil at their Wall Street jobs, and to avoid stabbing every other person they meet in the throat.
The researchers recommend that an additional 2% of the U.S. GDP be dedicated toward chocolate sustainability, and that the government begin making efforts to cut down reliance on foreign chocolate, should other nations realize just how damaging limiting this precious resource would be.
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