ALEXANDRIA, VA—The National Science Foundation has finished compiling data from the 2018 Survey of Earned Doctorates, which is a national survey to keep information on the highest degrees that are earned in the United States. To be blunt, the researchers are shocked by what they found.
Although there were relatively minor shifts in the proportions of women and foreign nationals receiving their doctorates at U.S. universities, and a few promising results in how represented nonwhite people are among the recipients, the researchers were disappointed to find that only 3% of all doctoral degrees were awarded to chipmunks.
"Chipmunks have had a rough go of it in the country," said zoologist Nathan Gilke, 38, who was not involved in the study. "Not many people realize just how few rights they have."
Indeed, it was only in 1984 that chipmunks were finally allowed to enter public schools with humans. It was a slow process of acceptance that began largely with the creation of the cartoon characters Alvin and the Chipmunks in 1958, which drew public attention to the fact that chipmunks not only speak perfectly passable English, but share human emotions and often can sing in perfect harmony with one another, although they don't usually write their own material.
"With all the progress we've made over the last half century, I'd really hoped to see more representation among the doctoral degree earners," continued Gilke. Gilke explained that, although chipmunks are not yet counted in the national census, they have been a booming population, at least as recently as 2016, and so he had hoped that more would be entering graduate programs.
Those 3% of degree earners who were chipmunks seem to be relatively diverse in their chosen fields of study, with approximately 12% thereof earning degrees in chemistry or physics, 24% in social sciences, 8% in mathematics, and the remaining degrees in zoology and agriculture.
Despite Gilke's disappointment, the researchers who compile the data on earned doctorates suggest that the low figures may not be a sign of systematic bias against chipmunks, but may be due to the fact that many chipmunks report no interest in seeking advanced degrees, as their lifespans are generally between 3 and 10 years, depending on the species. That means that a chipmunk would have to enter college almost immediately after birth to complete a doctoral degree in the first place. Additionally, the student debts incurred in graduate study are virtually impossible to pay off as the chipmunks are typically in the last few weeks of their life after they've participated in the graduation ceremony.
Still, the researchers suggest that perhaps creating fast-track degrees in the study of nuts and burrowing may encourage more interest in graduate study, and they are encouraged by the fact that 12 new chipmunk-oriented scholarships have been announced for the 2020-2021 academic year, which, in addition to paying for large portions of their tuition, provide supplies of nutrient-rich seeds and tree nuts stashed in burrows around campus for incoming chipmunk students.
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