LAS CRUCES, NM—A very relaxed paleontologist has issued a reminder to the public that it is perfectly possible that the same water we drink each day may have once been dinosaur urine. The scientist made this announcement from the back of his pickup truck to a small group of graduate students at a dig site, after taking several minutes to meditate and breathe in some incense, it appears.
Adrian Streep, 41, had been at a dig site for the last 10 days with his graduate students, documenting and recovering prehistoric remains when he began explaining his theory to the four graduate students. "I mean, think about it," the laid back scientist said. "Water just gets recycled over and over, by like, sunlight and stuff right? Water can be a vaporous cloud, sort of like smoke from a joint. Ice is just water in a crystal form, like crystal meth. Rivers are just water in the same state as, like, I don't know, alcohol: those are all the same water, man. So don't you think it's true that this water in my canteen right here could have once been dino pee?"
"I mean, you don't know," he added.
Streep continued for several minutes about how much urine the larger of the "terrible lizards" must have produced in a single day, and tried to put into perspective how much longer dinosaurs were on earth before homo sapiens ever appeared. "We're [humans are] just like, these little blips in the cosmic timeline, man."
Streep continued for approximately 25 minutes, tying his theory into larger ideas involving automation; aliens' possible contact with ancient civilizations; an alternate timeline where dinosaurs and humans coexisted, "but not like the Flinstones, bro;" and ultimately his reflections on how the movie The Wizard of Oz forecasted the deaths of each of The Beatles band members. He then stopped to go and find some "snacks" before calling it a night.
Streep's announcement has been met with mixed reactions. One graduate student, Kelly McAllister, 25, said, "That was awesome. I saw a whole new side of Dr. Streep, and I don't think I'll ever think of him the same way."
In contrast, Hazel Johanson, 24, seems to have found some flaws in Streep's logic. She caught the entire speech on video and was debating whether to post it to social media. "I just feel like this would be really embarrassing for him. But think of all of the likes and shares it would get."
As of press time, Dr. Streep was complaining of a headache and asking for a "cold glass of dino pee."
Comments