CHICAGO, IL—Hundreds of thousands of commuters and would-be tourists were shocked on Thursday morning to arrive at what had been Chicago just a few hours before, only to find not a single resident or building where it once stood.
By all appearances, Chicago seems to have slipped out of Illinois during the early hours of the morning, and it is widely suspected to be due to its increasing financial burdens, coupled with its inability to increase revenue. Chicago has been in financial trouble for years, with the most recent deficit calculated at just under $1 billion, due to unfunded pensions for city workers and other expenses. It seems now that, despite Mayor Lightfoot's assurances, Chicago never intended to make good on its debts.
As the thousands of commuters and tourists arrived on their trains, taxis, and rentals at the now-empty field, they were left standing and staring into what used to be Buckingham Fountain, Wrigley Field, the Shedd Aquarium, and dozens of other landmarks. "But this is where my building is supposed to be," exclaimed Derek Klein, 36, an accountant who commutes from Cicero each day. He was staring at a patch of dirt and weeds. "I brought donuts," he added.
"I'm visiting my sister," said Christine Suzuki, 40, while staring at a small pile of rocks. "She had a baby last week, and I'm here to help get her other kids to school and stuff. Where would they have all gone?"
Indeed, the whereabouts of a city of that size, with millions of residents, remains a mystery at this time. However, debt collectors assure us that, with the iconic buildings, the sheer number of vehicles, and the Chicago River in their possession, it is going to be very difficult for Chicago to stay on the run or hidden for very long. Experts explain that Chicago's most likely escape would be directly into Canada, which is just a few hours north, although it is also possible that the city is attempting to lie low while the heat dies down. Social media has chimed in on the mystery, with some suggesting that Chicago stashed all of their buildings in Lake Michigan, while the residents just went separate ways to draw less attention. Others think that the disappearance has nothing to do with the city's debts at all, but that the entire city was taken into space by aliens.
In any case, authorities are asking for the public to remain vigilant, and to report any suspicious Cubs or Bears fans, and to immediately report any sightings of enormous buildings that weren't there the night before. Additionally, if there is a surge in gun-related fatalities in your area, it is very likely that Chicago has come through. Other signs that Chicago has infiltrated your area include surges in taxes to which you did not agree, property taxes that no reasonable human being could be expected to afford, and words pronounced in ways that sound like they're English, but are still not quite coherent.
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