ITHACA, NY—Graduate students from Cornell University's ornithology program recently discovered that birds are, in fact, evil to their core, which explains why they begin singing at full volume hours before sunrise.
Deborah Skokie, the lead researcher, explained that she wanted to better understand what would possess an organism to start randomly chirping right outside her window at 4:00 in the morning. "I've wondered this for a long time, but it really struck me one day in April of last year, when I was awoken by a [expletive] sparrow at 4:23 a.m. the morning of my final. That [expletive] bird just wouldn't stop. I tossed and turned, and I threw things at it, and I screamed. I even pleaded with it to just [expletive] go away, until I finally collapsed on my floor in tears as the sun came up. I got a D on that final, but I knew what to study for my thesis."
Although many believe that the birds begin chirping early in the morning to begin communicating, and some even find the singing to be pleasant and inviting, Skokie and her colleagues actually determined that the cause of their screeching at such ungodly hours is that they are literally evil incarnate.
"It's important that people not be deceived by these birds' beautiful colors or nonthreatening physiques. They are, in fact, demons in the flesh," shared Skokie. "In fact, our research suggests that the only reason they do not murder you and everyone you love in the most brutal manner imaginable is because they lack the physical strength. That chirping in the early hours of the morning is not a harmless welcome to the sun, but an intentional, directed form of the most heinous torture any living creature aside from humans has ever conceived of."
The take-aways from the project have caused quite a ruckus among other academics and biologists, however, this is hardly the first time someone has considered the possibility that birds loathe all things good and decent on this earth. One notable film was Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 documentary, The Birds, which followed the murderous exploits of all manner of aves over the course of a few days. Although that incident has been largely considered an anomaly, others have wondered whether these creatures are on the verge of something horrifying.
"It's clear from our research that these monsters [birds] consider themselves in an all-out war," stated Skokie. "They reject everything we hold dear and sacred, and they wish us direct and immediate harm. Although they currently focus on psychological torture involving sleep disturbance, make no mistake: they are committed to our destruction, through carefully calculated, purposeful action."
"And frankly," added Skokie, "They are winning."
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