CHICAGO, ILLINOIS—During what was originally scheduled as a brief stop in Chicago during his eight-day “No Malarkey” bus tour across Iowa, Democratic presidential primary hopeful Joe “Breathalyzer-beater” Biden had a 30-minute interview on a local news station that quickly spiraled into a two-hour tribute to his personal hero, Hugh Heffner. The news anchor, Cynthia O’Donnell, had asked the emeritus vice president simply who his greatest inspiration was. Though it has been over two years since the death of the Playboy founder and multimillionaire, Biden revealed that he felt the loss of Hugh Hefner more every day.
“The anniversary of his [Hugh Hefner’s] death was rough this year, just back in September,” Biden confided. “The man taught me so much about women and what it means for one to be appreciated, really, like treating women that way that I would want them to want me to treat them, as mere objects, on a high pedestal of course, you know, like that Columbia Pictures broad that holds a torch: little to the imagination. Anyway, lack of that often exciting feeling is a cancer: a cancer that eats away at a real man’s faith in women, diminishes the instinct for innovation and creativity, if you know what I mean; already-tight entertainment budgets, crowding out important ‘me time.’ It wastes the talent of entire generations. It scares away investments and jobs. That is what Hugh’s death meant to me. You know, I learned more in one of his magazines than I ever did in any of my college courses. Don’t get me wrong; ‘straight-as-an-arrow’ Joe loves the ladies but that man was a man that even heteros can love, in a nonsexual way if you can imagine such a thing.”
After speaking through numerous news segments and commercial breaks, Biden vowed to the American people that he would dedicate his presidential run to Heffner. Describing himself as a “tactile politician” and citing numerous allegations of inappropriate physical contact, Biden said that he was well on his way to making his personal hero proud.
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