STAMFORD, CT—In a huge win for inclusivity, World Wrestling Entertainment has finally ended its bigoted policy of allowing only homo sapiens to compete in its matches. Beginning this coming February, the organization will allow bears of all species to wrestle with the humans.
"We are pleased to make this stride forward," read spokesperson Maria Menounos. "For too long, wrestling fans all over the world have turned on their televisions and seen only humans smashing other humans with chairs. Bears have watched longingly, wondering when they would have their day to pile drive a person into the floor of the ring. We want to do our part to make sure that all species feel welcome to be a part of the WWE they love."
The new policy will allow a bear of any size to get in the ring with any human, so that bears can immediately immerse themselves in the competitive environment and so that there is no appearance of preference or discrimination.
This move has drawn some criticism from people with any degree of rationality, citing the "clear and enormous physical advantages in size and strength" some bear species have over humans, their "dangerously sharp claws and teeth," and aggressive survival "instincts." Many fear that bears will not only dominate the matches in which they are involved, but that many people may be severely harmed.
To this, Menounos responded, "There is literally no difference between bears and humans except in name. The rumors of strength and claw disparities is a harmful stereotype against our ursine friends, and we at the WWE are confident that our tolerant and progressive fans will see this to be true."
Menounos expressed excitement to introduce the first professional bear wrestler, a male grizzly named Coco, who weighs in at 680 lbs. and stands at 7' 2" tall. Coco declined to comment during the press conference as he was preoccupied with removing an elk's head from the rest of its corpse.
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