BALTIMORE, MD—Using enhanced images from the Hubble telescope, astronomers at the Space Telescope Science Institute have located another planet that appears to have an Earthlike atmosphere, or at least that's what they're telling us.
The so-called experts say that the planet is likely to have liquid water on the surface, and temperatures that can support life as we understand it, if you can believe them. They haven't even bothered to give the planet a cool name or anything, just some long, dull number, so how serious do they even sound, right? I mean, probably a lot of people find this kind of thing really suspicious.
I'm just saying, they report that this planet is about 113% the mass of earth, right? But like, how are we supposed to check that out? Do you have a Hubble telescope in your back yard? You think I do? Some hardcore journalist for a satirical news site? Is that what you think? You think a guy like me has a huge, multi-billion dollar telescope just floating in the sky above my house, and I have all sorts of equipment in my basement to run the numbers or whatever? If that's what you think, you don't know anything, man.
So it seems that the public has a choice here. Are we really just going to lap up whatever these NASA nerds want to tell us? I mean, they've been telling us the earth is round for a long time, but people are starting to figure out what's up. Maybe there isn't even a Hubble. Did you ever think of that, man?
No, of course not. Just sit there, read the Hubble propaganda, and believe whatever they tell you about little green men doing the "electric slide" up on planet x4000q or whatever. I'm just a journalist. I can't tell you what to believe. It's your choice. All I'm saying is that they say they found a planet a lot like earth, and I'm also saying that you have no idea if they're telling the truth, down in your backyard with your $100 telescope in one hand and a lukewarm beer in the other.
But put this in your pipe and smoke it: These so-called "scientists" say that this allegedly "earthlike" "planet" is about 17 light years away. Let me put that in plain English: ain't nobody ever gonna get there to see if it's got liquid water, son.
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