MALIBU, CA—Along with many other members of Malibu High School's class of 2019, Peter Chang, 18, has announced intentions to attend a university in the coming fall. While the majority of those seeking secondary education do so to improve their prospects for gainful employment or to enjoy their first experience living away from parental supervision, Chang's motivations diverge from the norm; as a self-proclaimed masochist, he desires personal pain and humiliation, from which he derives some semblance of pleasure.
"College seems like the perfect setup for me!" reports the self-destroying student. "I'll be taking difficult, soul-sucking classes on subjects that I will likely never have to think about again, where the workload vastly outweighs the amount of time that is available to me, all while also suddenly carrying the burden of providing my own meals, maintaining minimum standards of hygiene, and living with strangers I'll probably hate in a fraction of the space I'm used to. God, I can hardly wait!" exclaimed Chang, visibly shaking with excitement.
Chang, whose extra-curricular activities unsurprisingly include cross country and glee club, anticipates squandering his first two years in school selecting a major while under constant pressure from his well-meaning parents, which will only lead him to settle on something easy that sounds more interesting than it in reality is. "I'll have to be careful to score a degree in something that won't actually help me get a job, but will force me to choose between prolonging the agony at grad school or settling for minimum wage, preferably in food service. I wouldn't want things to be too easy, now would I?"
"And I haven't even mentioned the massive debt I'll have hanging over my head for the entire duration and who-knows-how-many years after I graduate! I'll be chipping away at that in a decade, probably! I honestly don't think there's any greater torture I could submit myself to." remarks Chang, who is currently signed up for over $60,000 worth of credits during his freshman year. He plans to cultivate and increase that monetary burden over the course of at least 6 additional semesters, perhaps more.
"Poor living conditions, unhealthy diet, lack of sleep, personal inadequacies, nagging doubt, and financial crises will coalesce to make my life a living hell for the next four years, maybe longer. I'll just have to enjoy the ride while it lasts."
At press time, Chang reported via Facebook that he and his new girlfriend, Kat Lopez, 19, will be living in the same dorm complex and share three classes during their first semester.
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