MICHIGAN CITY, IN—Tensions are high in the ant hill just next to the log by the fir tree in the forested area near Michigan City after the worker ants announced their intention to unionize.
Antonia, a spokesperson for the carpenter ants, spoke with The Colon about the situation.
"Oh, you have no idea what it's like here! All day long it's 'Go find food! Go find food!' We hardly ever get a minute to catch our breath. We simply can't be expected to maintain this strenuous pace all of our lives."
Antonia, who began her role as a forager just 10 days ago, explained that there is currently little to no mechanism in place for workers to earn vacation time, and there is effectively no health plan, as any injuries incurred in the workplace typically are fatal. As Antonia shared, "And these are hazardous conditions—just this morning we lost 25 workers. Some were stepped on, a few were eaten, and some of them were killed by a rival ant species."
The other carpenter ants expressed their frustrations with the inability to move up into more prestigious positions, citing clear barriers to promotion. "It's like you have to be freaking royalty to get to the top in this place," shared one forager. "I tell you, this queen doesn't do anything all day except lay on her thorax and pump out eggs. It's disgusting! And then we're stuck doing all the work!"
The all-female worker ants were also visibly upset about the gender-based division of labor, as another, Antalia, related. "What is this, 1952? I look around me out here in the hot sun, lifting objects fifty times my own weight, and I don't see a single fella doing the same. It's nothing but dames out here. I tell you, if I had been one born with wings, I'd fly right up to my intended mate and sock him right in the mandibles."
When reached for comment regarding the likely unionization, the queen, Victori-ant, stated, "Oh please. I haven't taken a single day of maternity leave—do you think I care about their demands for a microwave in the lounge?"
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