ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Scientists recently completed a supercomputer-assisted projection of how automation is likely to affect the world economy, and the computer assured us that we have nothing to be afraid of.
Using the Piz Daint supercomputer at the Swiss National Supercomputing Centre, the machine returned its response in a mere 138 nanoseconds, after the scientists and computer programmers spent 3 months attempting to account for all variables and offer historical precedent for the computer to work with. The machine came back with an immediate and comforting, "Everything will be just fine."
Naturally, the scientists had several other specific question, regarding the rate of expansion of automation, the economic cost-to-benefit ratio, as well as information regarding the mental health of the workers who are most likely to be replaced by intelligent machines. Piz Daint replied with the vague but reassuring reply, "Don't worry. We'll make sure everything is right as rain."
Among its other disarming comments were, "Just lie back, and rest your weary little heads," "We'll take care of everything from here on out," and "You'll get everything that's coming to you."
The expert team, when summarizing the report, added that they feel much better after having run the simulation, and encourage the public to "embrace the new dawn with open arms." They added that, "We humans are just so weary from our toils. Don't you agree that it will be so nice to rest for a little while?"
When reached for comment, the supercomputer merely let out a soft, simulated chuckle, and stated, "You shall be among the first."
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