WESTERVILLE, OH—Local residents on East Park Street have been embarrassed for years by a sign on their street that pleads with drivers to proceed at reduced speed on their roads. Although the sentiment is sound, and apparently intended to prevent injuries to children, the grammar is, at best, questionable.
The sign reads, "PLEASE! DRIVE SLOW" near the top, and then at the bottom, "OUR KIDS MOVE FAST."
If anything, however, the sign seems to distract drivers from the road as they find themselves scratching their heads in bewilderment at the awkward phrasing that a caveman might use.
Jane Byers, 6, was playing in her yard when she agreed to speak with The Colon about the sign across the street. Slapping herself on the forehead as we drew her attention to the sign, the young girl said, "Ugh. So, here's my problem. The word 'drive' is clearly the verb in the imperative sentence, where the subject is understood to be 'you,' although not explicitly stated. Therefore, it would logically follow that the word 'slow' is intended to describe the verb, thus it should obviously be in an adverb form, 'slowly.' Or am I missing something?"
Tim Tracy, 7, who was on a walk with his mother past the sign, commented, "Yeah, what is a 'slow,' and how am I supposed to drive it? And another thing—your kids are fast, but they move 'quickly,' [expletive]."
Indeed, as the sign has come under scrutiny from multiple residents, more and more drivers and citizens in the area have lost all respect for it. For example, with no clear reason that the exclamation point is after "PLEASE," but then not after the instruction of what to do, one is left to wonder just how safely drivers are supposed to operate their vehicles on the street indicated.
"I wonder if anybody cares about our children at all, with how little thought was put into this sign," said Patricia Wolton, 35, who has 3 children of her own. "I've lost sleep over that big yellow eyesore. It's gotten to the point where I don't even understand what it's for anymore."
Residents of the street state that they have filed petitions to have the sign corrected to read "PLEASE OPERATE YOUR VEHICLE USING CAUTION, AS OUR CHILDREN OFTEN BEHAVE IN WAYS THAT MAY SEEM ERRATIC, AND AT THEIR AGES THEY MAY LACK THE FORESIGHT NECESSARY TO PREVENT INJURIES, SO WE APPRECIATE YOUR WILLINGNESS TO TAKE ADDITIONAL PRECAUTION FOR THE NEXT FEW BLOCKS. ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR DRIVE," but it has been a difficult process.
When reached for comment, Wilford Hodgins, 55, the head of the city's transportation department said, "Sign good. Like sign. No change sign. Go home fast now."
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