CRANSTON, RI—Word has been quickly spreading that the Norman Johnson family, who operate the haberdashery on Main Street, have procured a new motor-operated car.
Capable of motion without the use of horses, oxen, or mules, the vehicle makes use of a liquid fuel of sorts that must be dispensed into a reservoir that hangs underneath. The stuff offends the senses greatly, and is not to be trifled with. One would be wise to avoid lighting his pipe within a few feet of the contraption.
Among the motor car's peculiarities is a compartment in the rear, which is used for storage. It is notably larger than a bread box, and can transport up to 35 stone of corn, wheat, or any other grain to the market in just minutes, assuming that one has enough propellant in the reservoir.
Neighbors and townsfolk in Cranston have told of the boisterous growl let out by the machine as it careens down the thoroughfare. Said Barnaby McPherson, "'Tis ungodly, this metal beast. It's no soul to it. 'Twill be the death of us all, mark my words."
"That unholy shimmer to its carapace," commented Chastity Heath. "It's bound to mesmerize the horses and sheep. It will put them under a spell it will! I fear the toll this contrivance will have on the commonwealth."
Despite the clamor among the denizens of the town, the Johnsons appear undeterred from their motor car. Yesterday morn, Mr. Johnson was seen affectionately cleaning the windows, the vanity plain to see upon his face. Many have besought Reverend O'Leary to counsel Mr. Johnson and perhaps help him to see the inevitable carnality that will come of this idol, however, as of this moment, it is not known whether he will intercede.
Mr. Johnson was not outreached for remark, as the entire town is presently engaged in fasting and prayer for the good of the Johnsons' souls.
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