PORTER, IN—In new, unsolicited poll data, it appears that 5 out of 5 total morons in the neighborhood believe that it is time for me to mow my lawn.
Despite no one having been asked about the appearance of my front lawn, volunteers offered insights ranging from hiring a service to getting off my couch to ensure the blades of grass meet their stupid expectations.
Experts agree that these laypersons should probably just mind their own business and, at a minimum, ponder the fact that there is no "correct" length of grass, and anyone who tells them differently needs to die a slow and painful death in front of their loved ones. According to at least one source, if God wanted the grass to be shorter, He wouldn't keep making it grow week after week, even when I don't even bother watering it.
In a contradictory poll taken seconds after the first, it appears that the lawn owners feel that if the morons from the first poll don't like the lawn that much, maybe they should step away from their barbecue for 10 minutes and show the homeowner in question how to operate his stupid $300 electric mower instead of snickering and giving each other knowing looks anytime he tries to find the gas can. Experts explain that this stuff doesn't come naturally to everybody, and that it's okay to make mistakes, and that you tried hard, so you deserve a nice milkshake and you can try again tomorrow.
Comments