Hey babes. I almost wrote this column yesterday, but then I realized that I hadn't read a single word of my letters. I spent a long time thinking about what to do, and this morning I figured that I should read one, so here we are.
A.R. writes about a real predicament in her love life:
[Most honorable] Cassie, [I'm so humbled at the thought you might actually read this that I'm shaking.] Please let me know what you think about my problem! 5 months ago I met the man of my dreams. He's handsome, caring, attentive, and he's dedicated to our relationship above all else. I truly feel like this is it.
The only trouble is that his phone is an Android, and he uses computers that run Windows operating systems. I have all of my stuff on Apple products, so I just don't know if we're as compatible as I thought. I mean, it's almost impossible to share our music or photos, and he can't FaceTime me at all. Do you think there's any hope for us, or should we cut our losses? Thanks!
Golly, A.R., this is a big problem. You were right to come to me. I, of course, am an Apple user also. We are the elite among the world, for we know no limits to our expenditures, we spit in the faces of those who would wish to share files with us or have our files shared with them, and we proudly display our brand upon every piece of tech we own.
Your first mistake, A.R. was ever associating with that person who calls himself a man, but carries around an inferior smartphone. Personally, I avoid even looking non-Mac users in the eye, as they are known to desecrate the soul. I certainly never would touch one, as everyone knows that they carry different diseases than you and I.
Therefore, A.R., I'm sorry to tell you this, but I have to be clear: You must not marry this person. You should rid your entire life of him and anyone like him. Think of it like this: People who do not use Macs are like a virus. You now need to do a hard factory reset of your life to clear them out. I would start with picking up right now, and moving to a new town, changing your phone number, and probably even your legal name. Go to San Francisco or somewhere where they think more like us, and then you can blend in with your own kind.
You might think that this is cruel to the organism you think you're in love with, but trust me, this is the kindest thing. He's made his choice to live a life of expandable disk space, and audio files that are compatible with something other than iTunes. A long-term relationship with a PC user is a fate worse than death. If you were to marry, it would be a slow death of trying to keep charging cords straight. And besides, what would you tell your children? Would you seriously expose a son or daughter to a world where a computer costs less than $1,000? Why don't you just call Child Protective Services right now?
I'm sorry, A.R., but I'm sure there is somebody out there who is 100% compatible with you and all of your devices. Just make sure to get the latest model of everything or they'll become useless.
Okay, I hope that helps. Have a great week!