Hey babes. Have you ever had one of those years where you just can't seem to find the motivation to read your fan mail? Gosh, I feel like I've had 3 in a row!
Well, you'll be glad to know that I finally built up the courage to open a few of your letters that seemed like they might have gifts or cash in them, and I read the one with the prettiest penmanship. It was from J.E. from Appalachia. She writes,
Cheers, Cassie! Current events, right? Okay, so anyways, [you are like the patron saint of advice. Don't be modest, you gorgeous and vibrant oracle of wisdom. You have got it!] I could really use some help here. I feel like I have good friends, but sometimes it's hard for me to feel special when things are going well for them. I just feel like I need to level the playing field, you know? Do you think I should splash acid on their pretty faces, or break their knees, so that I can compete with them? Thanks so much!
Yes, wow, J.E. I can totally get where you're coming from. I mean, I've never felt inadequate to another person, or felt like I was unworthy or whatever, but I can totally understand why people get that way. I mean, whenever I'm with my friends, I can just feel the envy oozing out of them, you know?
Anyway, I don't think there's a need to resort to physical violence yet. If you're having a hard time feeling as good as your friends, all you need to do is take them down a peg or two. I find that a really effective way to do that is by giving what we call a "backhanded compliment." Basically, what you do is say something to your friend that sounds like it's supposed to be a compliment, but really it's an insult.
I'll give you some examples. Like, I might say about your letter you wrote, "Wow, it must take so much courage to write letters with your handwriting!" On the one hand, it sounds like I'm complimenting you for having courage, but actually I'm saying that your handwriting seems like what I might see on a prisoner of war's cement wall inside their cell where they've been in the dark for the last 30 years.
I could also say something like, "I can tell you tried really hard to get the stamp straight on the envelope!" See, there, it sounds like I'm praising how hard you worked, but the undertones of condescension really take away from any warm fuzzies you might have gotten.
These backhanded compliments are subtle, and your friends won't always be able to call you out on them even when they're working. Also, you can always just deny that you meant that, and then question why they are interpreting what you say in the worst way possible. That's a fun form of gaslighting.
Just a tip, though. Go easy. Try to slowly work in the backhanded compliments or you'll drive your friends away. You still want them to hang around, you just want them to be a little more miserable. It's all about moderation.
Let me know how it goes. I'm sure you're smart enough to figure it out!