Hey babes. Can you believe it's March already? It seems like just yesterday I was still hungover from my New Year's Eve party, but I was probably just hungover from my Wednesday Night party. I guess my point is I have a lot of parties. Well anyway, with spring on the way, a lot of us are looking forward to doing more things outdoors. Like parties. One of my readers recently wrote in hoping for some advice on an outdoor activity that's been growing in popularity over the last couple of years: creating a hate crime hoax. U.R. from New England writes, "Cassie, [you flawless specimen of a human being, you. I'd give my left arm just to breathe the same air you breathe.] I have a little predicament I think you could help with. Like most people my age, I love attention. It's more important to me than doing something meaningful, rising the ranks based on merit, making a real difference in the world, or even feeling good about myself. I'd sell my soul if it just meant that people knew my name, you know? So anyway, I've noticed that a quick way to get your name out there is to be a victim of something juicy that fits the worldview of the outrage mob that's so loud these days. I've tried everything I can think of, and nobody's yet committed a hate crime against me. I've had some offers of help and even money, but not even so much as an insult. I'm getting pretty desperate, and I'm starting to think I'll have to just have to stage it myself. Any advice on that?" This is a great question, U.R. I'm sure you're not the only one thinking about how to get your name out there in a world saturated with names and faces. You're exactly right, though. One of the best ways to become an instant authority on culture, art, politics, and economics is to be the biggest victim you can be. The problem is, being a victim is getting to be harder and harder what with the decline of extreme poverty, the general acceptance from this generation, and the charitable hearts of Americans overall. But don't fret; we've learned a lot over the past couple of years about what not to do, so I'll give you some tips. If I were you, I'd start writing now so you're ready when the book deal offers come. My first piece of advice is that you have to be the right kind of victim. The media won't even look in your direction if you have the wrong political opinions, no matter how much you seem to have been victimized. Make sure that your social media posts and bumper stickers all send the message that will win with the journalists. Second, as you're planning the hoax, make sure that you're focusing on stirring up tensions that already exist. It wouldn't make any sense to try to dig up something when there's plenty already on the surface. Race, sexual orientation, politics, or really anything to do with identity would be perfect. Third, think about evidence. Police these days are always asking about what "proof" you have of claims you make. Be careful here. It's one thing to not have a lot of supporting evidence, because you can totally get away with that. Just put on a good show. The thing that will mess up your hoax the most is if there is evidence disproving your story. For example, you can't leave a money trail to the accomplice (if you have one). Plan on where you want to stage the hoax, and then really scope the place out for any cameras. In a hoax, you either want to stage it perfectly and have a lot of cameras, or you want zero cameras so that no one can disprove your story. On that same note, we've learned recently that not everybody takes your word for it when you tell them you were victimized, so be prepared for them to want to look at your phone records, email, and social media. Whatever you do, don't call your accomplice, don't email, and don't start posting your plans on Facebook. I can't tell you how many of my friends had to take plea deals because they left huge digital trails for the feds. Generally, I recommend not having an accomplice at all, if you can avoid it. They sure seem like they'll be loyal and all, but once the authorities start sniffing around, they'll crack easily and spill the beans. I'm more of a D.I.Y. hoaxer, so see what you can come up with before asking for help. Lastly, start rehearsing your sob story. Practice in front of a mirror and try to get yourself to cry. Tape record your account and then listen back and see if that sounds plausible. Rework it over and over until it will make a good soundbite for the cable news stations and morning talk shows. Once you've got it, destroy the copies, of course. As a side note, even if someone figures out the whole thing was staged, just remember to first double down, accuse them of being part of the problem, and then, when all else fails, declare how you are actually still a hero for calling attention to "important issues" or "starting a conversation" or some sort of stuff like that. That usually works, even if you do a little time in prison. I hope it goes well! Happy hoaxing!