Hey babes. I've enjoyed hearing the interns summarize your letters since my last post. It sounds like a lot of you have started your journey into using passive-aggression to not only end your dead-end relationships, but to also leave permanent emotional scars on that dead weight.
Speaking of dead weight, I received a really touching note from J.B. in the Northwest this week that I think is worthy of my precious time. J.B. writes, "Hey Cassie, I recently ran into some trouble that I could really use some [of your amazing and inspiring, transcendent] advice on. I recently went through a breakup, and to make a long story short, now I've got this dead body in my apartment. I've got it on ice, but this is a little new for me. Do you have any advice on what I should do with it now?"
Thanks for writing, J.B. You are not alone in this. In our post-2016-election world, it won't surprise most of you that this sort of issue is popping up like moles in a potato field. Just hang in there and let me walk you through your options.
First, I cannot overemphasize the importance of getting rid of the body. A lot of first-timers figure they can just sort of wipe their prints off of the doorknob and then take off and hope for the best. That's a huge rookie mistake. With the forensics they've got these days, like DNA databases, and infrared whatnot, you're just begging to get caught. Always remember, it's much more difficult to charge someone with murder without a body, so get rid of that thing!
Second, you were right to put that limp boyfriend on ice. At a bare minimum, that will buy you some time. It keeps the thing from stinking like French cheese, and it makes it nearly impossible to estimate the time of death. Use this time wisely to start coming up with a plausible alibi, and making plans to actually get rid of the body. Far too many amateurs stop right here and keep putting off the actual getting rid of the body. To that, I say see my first point.
You probably have seen in the movies that you can just cut a body into smaller pieces and slowly put it down the garbage disposal. I generally don't recommend this option, because it's a huge mess, takes way more time than it's worth, and you still won't be able to get the bones down that disposal, no matter how small you cut them.
A few people have gone the economic route and started eating the corpse. As long as it was in good shape when you put it in the freezer in the first place, this option kills (no pun intended) two birds with one stone. You can save on groceries and get rid of most of the body. You'll still need to lose the internal organs that are fatty or too chewy, and the bones, but there are ways for that. One caution here is that it may take weeks to finally get through all of the meat on a human body, so try inviting friends over for a home-cooked meal to help out. Tell them it's venison, serve it with a good sauce and wine, and nobody will be the wiser.
As a side note, many of you will find that putting a body on ice is not possible under your circumstances. You don't have a freezer big enough, or you don't want the hassle of keeping your bathtub full of ice cubes—we still need to shower, right? Of course, you may be up against the clock, especially if you have nosy roommates, or the actual life-taking occurred in a place that you don't have total control over. So, let's talk about some options.
You need to move the body at some point. So, it's almost unavoidable that you'll have to reduce the size of the body. They're awkward and heavy to carry all at once, and it's hard to get out of a building and into a vehicle without being noticed. For that reason, pace yourself. Try getting rid of just an arm or the head first. In fact, if you can get rid of the head and hands, it makes identification really difficult if the police ever show up. You can get away with throwing away a limb in a garbage, but wrap it really well, and don't take it to the garbage until just before it will get picked up (we don't want it to start smelling, do we?). Alternatively, you can bury the parts in remote areas, separately. Just be sure to dig very deep, and don't be seen.
Burning the body or body parts can sometimes be an option, but you have to get it really hot to actually make this worthwhile. Once the fat starts to burn, you're in business. Obviously, this creates its own smell and will be a big fire, so see if you can find a place far away from prying eyes.
One other option that has worked well for me is to dissolve the body or its parts in any number of acids. This is great because it completely destroys the organic material, even bones. The downside is that it's super risky for melting a nail or splashing on your outfit, so be careful. Just make sure that you're using a container that the acid won't corrode, and make sure it's big enough to fit all of the acid along with all of the body. Then, seal that bad boy up and take it somewhere where nobody will find it. It will be heavy, so you may need to ask for help.
Finally, whatever you do, if the police come snooping around, do not rely on your good looks and charm. Lawyer up, ladies. Use that Fifth Amendment, and make them chase you. You're good at that anyway, so don't change tactics just because it's a court of law.
Use these few tips, and your chances of going to prison for your best years will go down significantly. Let me know how things go, and keep an eye out for my next column!