Hey babes. The response to my last article was overwhelming - I had so many people sending in notes about finally coming to grips with having no talent!
I also had a ton of letters asking for advice on other areas, and I really wish I cared or had the time to write you all back, but I did find one of the questions quite intriguing. C.L. from the East Coast writes,
"Cassie, [OMG, I loved your first column. You are clearly brilliant!] I have been wondering for a while about the best way to break up with my boyfriend. He's a nice guy, I just don't know if I can see myself with him for much longer because I know a lot of guys with better cars. So anyway, I know it's going to hurt his feelings and all, and I'd really prefer to not face up to the consequences. Is there a way that I could still break up with him, but not like, directly?"
This is a great question, C.L. We've all been there, where we made a bunch of promises, and got ourselves semi-committed to a relationship, but then finding better prospects. So, let me walk you through some sound advice.
First, remember that nobody's feelings matter but your own. Sure, other people probably have feelings, but they're not you, so they aren't your concern. Do what makes you happy 100% of the time. That's what I do.
Second, it may seem more humane to just lay it all out on the table and tell him it's over, but that could get really uncomfortable for you. He might start bringing up how you led him on, how he loaned you that $3,000 down payment for your car, and how he got a vasectomy like you asked. We've all been there, right ladies? Remember, if there's anything that matters, it's your feelings, so you need to slowly cut him out of your life in a way that is easiest for you.
If you still do have any feelings for him, you'll need to smother those. That will make the rest of the next few months easier as you subtly nudge him over the cliff. There are a few ways to do this effectively. The trick is emotional damage. When he bakes that sweet-potato pie that you like, lose your appetite all of a sudden. If you have a necklace from your 3-month anniversary of dating or whatever, pawn that, but don't tell him. Not only will that free your mind up to start thinking about other guys, but he'll eventually wonder why you don't wear the necklace anymore. If he asks, you can say something noncommittal like, "the chain feels a little heavy," or "I think I left it at my sister's." When he sees that you're not that worried about it, you've drawn first blood.
He'll shrug it off, but if you keep at it with small things like that, he'll eventually hemorrhage enough of his self-esteem and faith in humanity that he may even just break up with you.
Some other great ideas are to conveniently "forget" about a big date you had planned and go spend it with your friends instead. Don't answer his text messages or calls for about an hour—not so long that he'd think you were cheating, but not short enough that he wouldn't worry.
There are also lots of subtle, but effective, ways to question his manhood. My favorite is to make some kind of remark about his career. This could be just a lack of respect for the kind of work he does, or just noting that other careers have bigger earning potential. It's the little jabs that build up over time until he falls flat on his face. Sort of like boxing.
So, in short, just ripping off the bandage may hurt fast and then be over quickly, but then you have to deal with the aftermath, and it's clear who caused the pain. I recommend a long and agonizing regimen of soul-crushing doses of relationship poison until he has lost the will to carry on. Then, ending the relationship will be so much easier for you, because he won't even respect himself anymore.
Well, babes, let me know how it goes! I'll watch for your emails over the next few months!