ATLANTA, GA—In a press release that is destined to horrify the entire globe, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) revealed that approximately half of the human population appears to have dangerous levels of testosterone flowing through their bodies.
The substance, although present to some degree in all members of the human species, has been known for decades to be especially toxic in high doses. The press release warned of several side effects that may be seen in behavior, such as "increased aggression and hypersexuality," as well as personality traits that may appear "arrogant and self-centered."
Indeed, literally billions of cases have been reported in recent months, although the condition may have gone unidentified for much longer than that. The CDC's statement read, in part, "Just as medical science was unaware of conditions such as Celiac disease until we started looking in the right places, these toxic levels of testosterone may have been affecting our species for centuries. In fact, it would explain a great deal of human suffering if this were the case."
The CDC offered some advice to citizens who may come across an individual they believe may be affected by this condition. Their recommendations are to:
1. Avoid contact if possible.
2. If conversation is imminent, allow the infected individual to feel in control. This is best done by reassuring their delusions of superiority.
3. Do not, under any circumstances, direct the individual's attention to the possibility of having too much testosterone. This will be interpreted as provocation.
4. If you feel in danger, infected individuals can often be distracted by sporting events, or may be temporarily subdued with alcohol.
The statement also offered some hope for loved ones, explaining that "the passage of time appears to help reduce the levels of toxic testosterone. Although never quite within acceptable limits, after 40 to 50 years, assuming affected individuals survive, their prognosis for a more normal existence is quite good.