The fraternity Alpha Theta Theta regrets to announce the recent passing of one of their latest would-be recruits who couldn't make the cut. Ulysses Cromwell, Jr., 1999-2018, died at approximately 3:10 a.m. on Tuesday after the sissy couldn't handle his alcohol. In a pretty standard test of recruitment into the fraternity, Cromwell attempted to imbibe more vodka than any of the other hopefuls without passing out. Turns out that was too much for the guy's vital organs, as they started shutting down like a member of Gamma Pi Lambda, am I right? Seems he didn't want it enough.
As a consolation prize, however, the members of Alpha Theta Theta will place the bottle of the vodka that ultimately led to his demise in a place of honor: the billiard room. It will remain there until such time that it is in the way, becomes an eyesore, or gets knocked over, which is pretty likely what with all of the pool cues getting swung around and such.
We want to assure all concerned that we at Alpha Theta Theta care greatly about the safety of our potential recruits, even though it will soon become obvious that we learned nothing whatsoever from this unfortunate event, and we openly take no responsibility for the part that we played in Cromwell's untimely death. Alpha Theta Theta forever!