LINCOLN, NE—Sociologists at the University of Nebraska recently concluded a depressing study into social networks and found that, on average, any given person is known by only about 126 people.
The supremely agonizing findings found that some people are known by virtually the entire known universe, such as the U.S. President, Taylor Swift, and Mike Tyson. However, others are known by name by as few as 8 people—mostly the elderly and hermits living solitary lives in the mountains. The median number of people who know one's name was a horrifying 126.
The figure becomes even more sobering when considering that it includes old high school friends and teachers, distant relatives, and old coworkers whom you will never actually see again. The researchers wished to emphasize that this means you have had a meaningful impact on only a few dozen people, and probably some of those remember you because you hurt them real bad.
"It turns out," shared Elizabeth Ulbrecht, 41, who is known by 549 people by name, "that breaking someone's heart in a romantic relationship was a sure-fire way to be remembered for eternity, albeit for leaving a horrible emotional scar on a person. The only other way to be so clearly remembered was to have physically given birth to the individual who remembers your name. In contrast, only about 82% of kidney donation recipients remembered the name of their donor."
The researchers had hypothesized that the use of social media would surely improve the numbers of people who could recognize and name an individual from a photo. However, they were disappointed to find that social media "friends" were actually only 33% likely to recognize another "friend" from a photo, "Although that number went up to 58% if we counted their screen name or Twitter handle as part of their name," added Ulbrecht.
The study concludes that perhaps society is not all that important, and we really could be just fine ordering take-out and binging streaming television all day. "In fact, your delivery person is about 41% likely to remember your first name," said Ulbrecht. "I guess most people just aren't all that big of a deal. I mean, I've been talking to you for the last 30 minutes and I've forgotten your name. Was it 'Nina,' or 'Nancy' or something? Started with an 'N' or 'M,' right?"
The researchers recommend that people wear name tags to facilitate name-learning, but critics counter that doing so would simply enable others to not remember names at all. The study authors also suggest that desperately and shamelessly grasping for attention in public and on social media may be a method to improve one's recognizability, such as through dressing provocatively, saying outrageous things, or disparaging people who are better-known. However, they caution that this sort of move at a large scale is likely to corrupt civilization at its core until all people are self-absorbed, entitled twerps who care of nothing but fame.
But of course, that could never happen.
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