CHICAGO, IL—Everybody loves two things: competition and potato chips. Anybody who says otherwise is lying to themselves or maybe has a heart condition or something, possibly high blood pressure. But everybody else definitely loves competition and potato chips. Ooh, I guess I knew a guy who was allergic to russets or something, and there are probably other people with the same thing, so I suppose they get a pass. But beyond those exceptions, nobody else has an excuse. No matter how much they protest, everybody loves a bag of deep fried starch shavings almost as much as the chance to prove they're better than the moldy bread-sacks they're surrounded by. I sure as heck do.
As it is currently summer, competition is fairly easy to come by, from pickup games of basketball with friends to yard games at family reunions, even company-sanctioned events. The Colon is no stranger to staff parties, drinking games, pie-eating contests, and other excuses to not do our jobs. Previous competitive events have included sing-offs, cook-offs, hot-dog-eating contests, and the infamous fart-off of '17. We're constantly searching for new ways to assert our superiority over each other, so I was unsurprised when higher-ups began discussing the possibility of future layoffs during a management meeting. What an awesome idea! People competing to see how many potato crisps they can slide down their gullets in a certain time period? Genius! The CEO didn't know that I had planted a baby monitor in the conference room to keep up on all the hot news, and it was really hard for me to keep from spreading news of the glorious event, being a reporter at heart. Oh, and professionally too. I almost told Todd, but I didn't want to give him a heads-up so he'd have extra time to practice his swallowing technique. At one point I thought about it a little more and realized I had made a mistake. "Shouldn't it be Lays-offs?", I thought, but I get that it's clunkier and harder to say, and if the management wants to give it a less accurate name, then whatever.
A few days passed, and I got more and more excited. I started eating a bag of chips everyday at lunch, gradually increasing the size and decreasing the time allotment. During additional meetings the upper management tossed around names of who they thought would be the best candidates at the layoff. Not gonna lie, my name came up quite a few times, so clearly they can recognize greatness when they see it. Finally the day came for them to publicly announce the competition. They got everybody together and pretended to be all solemn to throw us off the scent of a party. They said some crap about how "each one of us is important" and "we would hate to lose any one of you," but they were just stalling before the good stuff. Ms. Pallendrome stood up and said that "Due to our numbers in the last few months, we're going to have to have some layoffs; we've discussed it thoroughly as the management team, and it's a good move for the future of our company."
At this point, I gave a big whoop and volunteered for the first round. Everybody looked at me and it got all quiet, I guess they must have been pretty intimidated. I asked who wanted to join me, but nobody said anything. A little confused, I told them I could bring my fair share of chips and everything. Nobody seemed like they wanted to go against me, so I looked at Todd and said, "Well, how about it? You man enough to compete against me? Your wife didn't think so last night!" He just looked around the room and said in his stupid voice, "Well, you heard the man! If he wants to lose his job, who am I to argue? It'll raise the average IQ of this place by at least 100." Ash piped in to say, "Hey, I'm sure we've all thought about jumping chip now and then, hahaha!" Everybody kept heckling me for the rest of the meeting until it was abundantly clear that I had volunteered to lose my job.
Well excuse me for having a positive impression of the immediate future of the company, Todd, not all of us live in a state of paranoia regarding our job security! So I'm not obsessed with the termination of my coworkers, it doesn't mean I'm an idiot or a "food-crazed piece of [expletive]." Anybody would volunteer for the next round of company layoffs if they thought it was a competition to eat the most Lays brand potato chips in a fixed time. Sure it might hurt a little, you'd probably end up with a bunch of cuts on the inside of your mouth and you might swallow some jagged chunks that weren't chewed enough, but everyone would have a good time, right? And doesn't company morale stand for something? Good luck coaxing smiles out of terrified people that are grasping on a fleeting career. Wouldn't have that problem if there were company summer games where people could feel at ease.
I guess my point in all this is that, while Lays are delicious and an important part of my life, some people will take their name in vain as a clever way to hide the horrible truth that they're going to fire people. So don't fall victim to their siren song, no matter how deep-fried and crisp it may be. Otherwise you'll have to "fake" the death of one of your coworkers just to come out even.
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