WASHINGTON, DC—Beleaguered nutrition experts at the United States Department of Agriculture have finally accepted that Americans will never consume the daily recommendation of 2+ cups of fruits and veggies per day. As a result, the USDA will be making changes to its nutrition-based online content in the coming year. Spokesperson Debra Eccleston shared news with The Colon that her department is setting the dietary standard significantly lower in 2020. On January 1st, the USDA's
website will launch adjusted recommendations to reflect the more realistic calorie-dense diet adopted by the majority of modern Americans. This consists of mostly meat, cheese, potatoes, sugar, and grains with a suggested "2-3 bites of fruits and vegetables per day," Eccleston explained in her sneak preview. "We feel optimistic that people just may actually follow these new dietary suggestions," she added unconvincingly. "One bite per meal. Is that too much to ask?" reads the section on fruits and veggies. "Did you know that beans even count? You eat those on tacos, don't you? One baby carrot isn't that bad, is it? Fruit is even easier: you can have berries or bananas with ice cream in a sundae or milkshake. You know what—if you can drink 4 fluid ounces of a 10% juice cocktail, you can count that as a bite of fruit, okay? Please, for the love of whichever god or celebrity you worship, just eat something nutrient-dense for once!"
When reached for interviews, the nation's citizens said they'd "think about it."
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