NASHVILLE, TN—The Country Music Association, which is apparently a thing that exists, released a statement at half past twelve—or five o'clock, depending on the time zone—yesterday to clarify that not just any twangy song can be considered "country." This comes as a shock to most citizens of the United States, who for decades have considered country as a sort of "garbage bin" musical style with literally no standards. Spokesperson Luke Church said, between swigs of beer, "We at the CMA may seem like laid-back, fun-loving alcoholics, but there is actually a rigorous process and long list of requirements for music to qualify for our beloved American genre."
The CMA website lists these rules as a kind of point system, and any song that does not reach ten points is rejected from the country classification. For example, one point is awarded for every reference to an alcoholic drink, every mention of a woman's body, and any thinly-veiled sexual innuendo. Negative points result if guitar is not the loudest element or a duet fails to meet the "sadness threshold." Big points are awarded if the title of the song includes any motorized vehicle, beer, or some form of the term "heartbreak." Trespassing, destruction of property, distracted driving, and avoiding work are some of the other subjects endorsed by the CMA.
Singing style is also apparently scrutinized. "You've probably never heard a country song without the inexplicable, characteristic country drawl: that's all thanks to CMA's filtering process," Church explained. "If it don't sound country, it ain't gonna be country. You can see why we had to kick Taylor [Swift] over to the pop music circle," he added.
It is not known whether this announcement will have any effect on listeners and non-listeners, concert attendance, or viewing of the CMA Awards in November, but Church and his associates seemed really adamant that this was important.
As of press time, the number one country song in the United States was Luke Combs's "Beer Never Broke My Heart."
Comentários